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REFLECTION: PTSD, A WORTHWHILE WORK IN PROGRESS by Wayne Johnston

I was diagnosed with PTSD, mixed anxiety and severe depression in 2010. My diagnosis resulted from my experience as a “Repatriation Officer” to Canada Afghanistan military personel who had been killed in action. There are other causes of course and I’m only one of many.


These days I’m doing quite well, especially now that I’m a grandfather. My darling sweet Princess Freyja, is my world and her presence makes me soar in blissful joy. Thank you Savannah Bellows and Kieran Lawless-Johnston for the greatest gift of all.

Dark Times
 During my dark times, at my lowest point, I attempted suicide twice. Looking back I can’t help but think what a horrible legacy it would have been to leave Freyja. I know how difficult things can be. Truth be told I think that now I’ve got that PTSD and a depression pretty well managed, but the anxiety pops up far too often, and when I get in a panic sometimes I lose my raspberries. My anxiety kicks in and causes me to be rash and I’m not quite sure how to explain it. Over focused might be the best way to describe it; its a work in progress.

But Life Continues
However, other than that life is good. Having stopped boozing and transitioning off prescription drugs, to medical cannabis at the start of the pandemic. Way back then I was hovering in at 238lbs - 240lbs now I’m at a consistent 181lbs - 184lbs. My wife says I’m like Peter Pan on the boat, all agile, unlike before. Sure I still have some physical health issues, but who doesn’t at 62 years of age.

I guess what I’m trying to say is life is such a gift, I know, it’s not easy when you have hit rock bottom. I know, it can be beyond overwhelming at times, and life doesn’t feel worth living. I can promise you howver, it really and truly is very much worth living. That said, in retrospect I’m so glad that I reached out and got help and for my incredible very best friend, my spouse. And some truly great mates, and my boys, both feline and human.

Of course there is that incredible healthcare team who include some of the kindest most caring folks I’ve ever known. Between my physical and mental health professionals, I owe a great debt of gratitude. I owe them my life.

I know from my own experience in my mental illness journey, how dark things can seem, how painful it can be. But, trust me on this one thing, all the hard work is worth it. It can take the summoning up of real courage to reach out and ask for help. There will be good days and bad days, as you slowly recover. You will stumble and fall, do or say out of character things. But please don’t think you’ve failed, it’s all part of the recovery process. Thanks to my grand and very special friend Blake Emmons (he’s like the wise and kind older brother we wish we all had) I have learned that “FAIL” means “First Attempt At Learning”.

So, yes, it’s a hard bumpy road, but it’s so worth it, it really is I promise you this with all my heart and soul. The first step can be, by far the hardest, if we’re feeling “Not Quite Right“ within our minds, heart or soul. Asking for and reaching out for help, has been by far the most difficult thing I have ever done, but finally the most important. I would urge those in pain to do it for the grandchildren you will have never seen, loved and laughed with. She is my world. I go around the house singing songs about her, like I used to when my son was small. Being a grandparent is like a new lease on life, I’m always on the prowl for a cool toy or outfit. Fantastic little hobby of mine.

It’s been a long journey and it hasn’t ended, I still stumble and fall when my anxiety kicks in, by and large less frequently (though obviously too frequent to my liking). Other than that things are pretty good all in all. Now I want to live, laugh and love… certainly long enough to see Freyja become a young woman. Tall, smart, and lovely, like her mom. Oh no, stubborn and sassy like her dad, I’m thinking this girl is going to be hell on wheels. Hmmm let’s hope she’s a car and boat girl, like myself.

Life truly is a gift, dig deep and have the courage to live it.















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