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REFLECTIONS ON TOXIC TRAITS by Cathy Tsong De Kwe

Toxic masculine and feminine traits are related back to the Patriarchal system1 in which those that possess them are reared. It is caused by the difficulty in this system of being able to develop the ability to nurture and be nurtured. This in turn results in a certain insufficient level of trust and/or feelings of safety.

Men over compensate their masculinity because they haven't been given the opportunity to be truly in touch with their emotions. Raised by emotionally unavailable or absentee fathers, they were not allowed to show emotion. And when they do release emotion, there is a tendency to use those emotions to manipulate, usually related as a survival mechanism. Emotionally unavailable mothers start their journey towards mixed feelings about other women in their lives because they attach, either through chasing someone else who is emotionally unavailable or not trusting when love is present. They also have a hard time accepting love because they feel they themselves are not worthy and therefore do not trust anyone who does love them. And so emotionally cut off from love, they go to men wanting to be healed but in an unhealed mindset, this translates to sex and then the men withdraw afterwards because this isn't what they really wanted after all. They just wanted to be nurtured.

Women were raised by emotionally unavailable or absentee fathers and thus started their quest to find fathers in their partners. If their fathers were angry or volatile, this instilled the need to fawn or detach emotionally. If their mothers were emotionally unavailable their attachment style was to chase and to find solace in her accolades.

Eventually when the accolades were too few and far between, the child can become dismissive and cut out people from their life. They will mirror their parents’ dismissive traits. Or, they may chase emotionally unavailable partners and continue that dynamic because they are unhealed from abandonment issues. The real issue is that chasing emotionally unavailable men instills in them the feeling that they themselves do not have to be emotionally available for anyone either. And vice versa, this also works for men as well chasing emotionally unavailable women. This can be experienced in a more in-depth manor if both of the involved people are emotionally unavailable.

Both men and women may have developed hyper-independence as a survival skill. They may feel that they cannot depend on anyone and will excel at self-sufficiency, not only for physical matters, but also for matters of the heart. This they will cling to as a sense of resiliency. Both will lack communication skills that, if worked on, could not only lead to the ability to set healthy boundaries but provide a safe environment for both to open up and feel safe enough to become vulnerable with each-other.

We would think that this kind of behavior might be synonymous with someone who has multiple partners or has gone through many relationships, but no. These behavioral traits can also come from people in long-term relationships and marriages. A person can go a lifetime in a long-term relationship with an unhealthy attachment style to their partner, and vice versa. What you do with this perspective is up to you. But just know that in this day and age.... every relationship status should always be up for examination. It's complicated.

Cathy Tsong De Kwe is an Herbalist, Street Medic and Founder of Giwaabamin Street Patrol in Toronto.

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Resource:
Lee, B. and Carranza M. (2021 Forthcoming). A Glossary of Social Justice Perspectives. Toronto: CommonAct Press. P. 22 1 Patriarchy is authority and control exercised by men over women, from Greek for “rule of the father.” Patriarchy can refer to control of women within institutions, and a culture’s ideology (as embedded in its language). Patriarchy is a classic example of hegemony operating and becoming embedded in social relations, institutions, norms and cultural arrangements (Bullock, 1977, in Lee and Carranza, 2021 Forthcoming)

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