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A CONCISE INTRODUCTION TO THE RAPTURE by Bill Lee

Recently I came across what I initially assumed to be a satirical take on the Rapture. That, for the uninitiated, is the belief, by some Christians, that one day in the foreseeable future a bunch of people will, at some point, be whooshed up bodily into heaven. I assume that these would be believers, who had lived lives of purity, go to church every Sunday, send in donations to various televangelists and believe that the bible is the ultimate in scientific truth. They doubtless don’t drink, smoke, swear, fornicate, believe in abortion and avoid non-believers unless in attempts to convert them. They would be the crème de la crème of the fundamentalist Christian set.


This particular post, on Facebook, was aimed at believers, who were being offered a pet care service should they be among the elect to be “raptured up” as the phrase is. It seems, at least in the illustration in the ad, that the elect would all be naked. I guess there is not much call for clothing in heaven but maybe it means that all the worthy will be nudists, or “naturalists” as most call themselves. Anyway, the ad seemed pretty funny. But apparently it is not, as in a quick search of the internet I found more than one site that offered such a service. The companies, they say, hire atheists and non-Christians to care for the menagerie at a small cost for registration. I guess since pets aren’t Christian or any other persuasion it is ok. Prices varied but I didn’t pay to much attention to differences. According to Pew, something like 40% of people in the US poled believed in The Rapture, firmly or partially (57% Protestant, 32% Catholic). That surprised me but given those numbers I thought I thought there might be in this Rapture idea and did a little checking. Here is the fruit of what I have learned and is offered here to lighten the darkness of those not familiar with this belief.

I have to admit that I’m not exactly an expert on The Rapture but I have read a few articles and do remember that there were more than a few believers among the GOP in the Bush Jr. era. John Ashcroft, his Attorney General, and several prominent senators and the House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay among them. There was a good deal written about it at that period, for example George Monbiot (2004) wrote a piece, and I seem to remember reading articles that explained that at some point a great swath of Christians, something like 2% of the US population, or at least the Christian population, I can’t remember which, would at some point find themselves flying up in the air. This would seem pretty disconcerting for them but since they would end up in heaven, I guessed they wouldn’t mind a few minutes of surprise and discomfort. But think of the people that were the witnesses of all these naked people being swirled heavenward. Surprise just wouldn’t nearly cover it.

Now for those of you who think that that is an awful lot of people to suddenly be gone from the earth, the story is that not all Christians get “raptured up” (if that’s the right term.) Apparently there are a whole whacking great number that get left behind. I don’t know the criteria the Deity is supposed to use in choosing who comes and who gets “left behind”, though that list of qualities I sited above is part of it I imagine, but I suspect it is all explained in a bunch of apparently quite popular novels, not surprisingly called the “Left Behind”1 series, that are all
about the whole rapture thing. It was, and maybe still is, popular reading material for some people who see it as authoritative (Monbiot, 2004).

So, someday there will be this sight of bunches of people floating upwards. But that’s not the end of the narrative. At some point after all the rapturing gets done, there is supposed to be an Armageddon where the Christians (including a bunch of Jews who have converted to Christianity for some reason) go to war with a whole whack of non-Christians. I gather that the bloodletting won’t happen immediately but not sure how long things will take to hot up. Anyway, the carnage will take place somewhere near Jerusalem. I’m not sure what the cause is supposed to be, perhaps a disagreement over some fine point in the bible or something. Christians will be led by Jesus, who will come back for the war, I think, and the non-believers by somebody called the Anti-Christ (I don’t know who he is). It is supposed to be a pretty blood and guts affair but apparently nukes will not be involved. You’d think they would be but you’d be wrong. (Spoiler alert, the good guys, aka Christians, win).

But we’re not finished yet. Then there is, I think, supposed to be a pretty long stretch of peace where everyone lives rather ok lives. I guess that would be because all the bad people, like socialists, communists, non-Christians and atheists, etc. would have been killed off during that Armageddon slaughter.

But nothing good lasts forever and eventually it will be time for “End Times”, at which point, I gather, Jesus comes, back one more time, and does all that judging that he is supposed to do. After all something has to happen to all those folks who didn’t get raptured. I think the bodies of people who didn’t get raptured, and who died, and there must be a whole whack of them, are supposed get out of their graves too. Just a guess but maybe their souls will get put back into their bodies, which are no longer decomposed. Don’t ask me how that is supposed to work. And I don’t know what happens to the people’s bodies that were cremated but that’s probably an irrelevant detail if you are a Rapture enthusiast.

After the judging, which must take a great deal of time, I’m not sure exactly what happens, maybe the good people go and have a celebratory lunch or something, maybe in heaven. I can’t be sure since I haven’t read any of the Left Behind books. And then, everyone exists forever, very happily ever after, except of course for the people who had been bad, you know the ones I mean. They, I assume, wouldn’t get lunch but just have to go straight to hell and live very unhappily ever after.

I think I have this more or less right but to tell the truth, I’m sure I may have left some things out, like maybe the whole Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse bit. And I’m not sure about anyone getting lunch, or dinner for that matter, it just seems like it would be a nice touch. I mean they’ve been hanging around during all that judging time. But you can always go and look at the “Left Behind” series to get all the genuine dope. Don’t bother with the Bible though, the end times and judgement stuff are there alright, but they forgot to include the Rapture.



Resources

Monbiot, G. (2004). “Their beliefs are bonkers, but they are at the heart of power”. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2004/apr/20/usa.uselections2004.
1 These things were written by a guy Tim LaHaye who was later joined by someone named Jerry B. Jenkins.

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